On Monday I was chatting with a friend of mine who works with parents who have small children. He was telling me about one of his favorite parents to work with, “She knows all the rules for her house!” He explained that he often starts by asking parents if they know the rules in their house, and if they don’t, the first step is to decide on them and stick to them. This idea made me think about how, as adults, we are still faced with following the rules in our parents’ houses. And just like with the families my friend works with, not everyone is so clear about what these rules are.
It made me wonder if this is one of the things that causes anxiety for people around the winter holidays. The holidays often mean getting together with family – sometimes family we haven’t seen for the entire year. This can often feel chaotic and out of control. But when I put on my “family rules” glasses it’s a different terrain. Now there is a method to the madness. By knowing what the spoken and unspoken rules are things don’t look chaotic anymore – they just fit into someone else’s idea of order. Figuring out their rules ahead of time is a little like cracking the code.
But what do I mean by “family rules?” First, let’s think about what it was like growing up in your childhood home. There were likely some very concrete rules. For example, maybe you took turn doing the dishes, you were probably in charge of keeping your room clean, and someone was in charge of taking out the trash. These are the kind of rules a family might even have up on a chart. What were the documented rules in your family?
There were also probably other rules – unspoken rules. Maybe you just knew that you weren’t allowed to go into your parents’ bedroom when they weren’t there, or you weren’t supposed to ask your mom about your Uncle Joe. All families have unspoken rules. The unspoken rules are how we keep our family secrets. What were some of the unspoken rules? These rules, the unspoken rules, tend to be the ones that increase anxiety for people when visiting family. These are the rules you might not even know are there until you’ve broken them. The rules reinforced by passive aggressive behavior so you never know if you really did something wrong or not.
As an adult, when you visit family, what rules are still in effect? Are there rules that need to be updated? Are there rules that keep you from having the relationships with other family members that you would like? And, what are the unspoken rules? Before your next family get together take a minute and jot them down. Be clear with yourself and your family about what these rules are. Making these unspoken rules visible levels the playing field – at least now you know if you’re breaking a rule. Maybe now you can focus more energy on spending time with people you love and eating good food, and less navigating the family drama.
